Losing My Identity Part 1

I have always had this little tugging at my heart since as long as I can remember. A passion for living boldly. Outside the lines. Creating my own rules as I go and daring to venture into the unknown. 

I dreamed of being a big Hollywood star ⭐️ from when I was a tiny seed growing in my Muma’s belly and pretty much demanded acting lessons from as soon as I could voice my wishes! .

I started acting at the age of 3 years old and followed my passions through adulthood, (despite others advising me to knuckle down and get ‘serious’ about life). I also worked a million and one different jobs to support the pursuit of my dreams, hustling on the side. Eventually though, paying bills, societies expectations and my boyfriend telling me to ‘get a proper job’ finally won and I settled for a regular 9-6.

It didn’t fit though. I felt like deflated balloon. Like I was literally selling my soul for a pay check each month, which left my bank quicker than it arrived. I was seriously questioning what the hell life was about. Surely there was more than paying bills, buying bricks and saving for my own funeral? It felt like a trap and my being didn’t want to conform with this norm. .

I felt like a rat on a wheel. Living Groundhog Day over and over again. 

I felt like I was living in this movie, that I didn’t want to be in. Like I was in my body going through the motions but I wasn’t really me. Playing a role. 

Who was I really? I felt like I had traded my heart for this world full of promises but left me empty.

Its 2012. And here I am. Working in a job that pays the rent. I’m in a long term relationship which is so laced with all of our unresolved traumas that we trigger each other left, right and centre (not that I’m remotely conscious of this) and I don’t know what to do. All I know is SOMETHING has got to change. I know there is more to life than this reality I’m existing in.

I had wanted to travel so bad. But had always been too scared to do it alone.

But something in me would not leave it alone. I was like a prisoner plotting my escape out of prison. I had to find something better than this.

This little calling was my heart. And it was getting louder and louder everyday.

I was done with bouncing from job to job. I was done with repeating the same cycle of fighting and making up in my relationship. I was done in general.

I thought that maybe buying a house would make me feel better. That if I could tick that off the ‘life list’ I’d have been successful at something. Plus then me and my boyfriend would have to make it work because we’d be moving in the direction of deeper commitment.

So we put an offer on a house and it got accepted. And that’s when it HIT ME. I freaked.

This was not what I wanted. This was not my main dream. I wanted to travel. I wanted to explore. I wanted to taste life, live it, breathe it, squeeze every last drop of juice out of it. And here I was trying to play the role of a housewife. I was clinging to this dream that was sold to me that I needed to settle down so that I wouldn’t end up alone. Because that’s everyone’s worse nightmare right? To be alone.

And that was my fear. I didn’t wanna be alone. And I didn’t want to leave this guy I loved with all my heart ♥️ BUT the pull of my heart was too strong to ignore. So fessed up and told him that I wanted to travel. That I needed to before I could settle down and commit to planting roots.

And that’s when it all started. I started to own my truth, listen to my heart and speak up. The risk taker, leaping into the unknown was back in the drivers seat.

Australia and America had been on my dream travel list for as long as I could remember.

My boyfriend said he didn’t want to travel. So although clueless about traveling and literally the worst person when it comes to Geography (ask any of my friends and they’ll confirm their amazement that I can even navigate my way home at times). I started planning this epic adventure to the other side of the world 🌎

No one actually believed I would go. But the more I kept planning the more my boyfriend could see I was actually going to do this. One morning he woke up and announced he was coming with me.

I was elated. My dreams were coming true. I could keep my relationship and travel too!

So we started planning together. Although his plans were different to mine. His came with restrictions, limitations and timelines. I felt like my big expansive dream was being squished into a teeny box. The same feeling I felt when I was told to get a ‘proper job’. It’s like you’re getting all excited for Christmas and then suddenly the Grinch shows up. But he was coming with me so I should be grateful right? I should be happy…

We booked our flights and got working holiday visas granted and had a couple of months left until we’d leave on this adventure.

BUT something wasn’t sitting right with me though. There was this little voice, this tugging at my heart trying to get my attention. It was like I knew, that this was the end of the road and I needed to go alone. I didn’t know where this voice was coming from though (I had no conscious understanding around my intuition and I had never acknowledged her wisdom before). And what person in their right mind breaks up with their partner of 4 years who they love?

I mean this a dream of mine. A stable relationship. Travel. And with him coming wit me I wouldn’t be alone traveling (which I was absolutely terrified of). BUT my heart was saying something different.

What’s a girl to do? Listen to this crazy voice inside or continue with the plan?

Walking to work that morning in the drizzle coming from the grey sky, I suddenly had this overwhelming impulse to pray.

Now I do not regard myself as religious. I mean I have always believed in a higher power but the word God used to have me envisioning a guy with a long white beard and a booming voice sitting on this pedestal in the sky dishing out blessings to those worthy enough.

So this is new to me. But I have no idea what else to do.

So, it’s raining, and I’m walking a short 5 minute walk along the high street to the office. And I have this urge to pray, which came seemingly out of nowhere.

So I did. I prayed. Looking up at the sky I started this conversation with God. And I asked him for a resolution. I said if this was the man (my boyfriend) was for me in this lifetime make it so that we are together and I will give my whole heart to him, and if he’s not the one then make it so that there is absolutely no way we can be together.

FFWD to the end of the working day, I drive round to my best friends house for a cup of tea and an emergency chat. She says I need to talk to him about the uncertainty that’s arising before I travel. I know she’s right.

Later that evening we meet up and I open the conversation with him about this inner turmoil. And would you believe … the direction that it flowed, the things that came up, the information we allowed to come through in that space made it crystal clear that with our individual values, visions and dreams, we could absolutely not be together. Once we saw it all clearly, there was no way we could unsee it. And so the decision was made.

I was actually astounded. I prayed that morning and that evening it had been answered. Not to say that it made this decision easy. We were both devastated (and also relieved at the same time).

This is the first part of my journey. The catalyst which led me to leave everything I knew. My friends, my work, my safety and security, this identity I’d created of who I was, this world I’d tried to fit into for so long and give myself a freedom pass to experience something different. To follow my intuition and take a leap of faith into this unknown.

I share this as I really believe with my whole heart, that there is this inner guidance, this inner intelligence, an internal compass that is constantly guiding you to your highest good. Yet so often we get in our own way. Instead of listening to what FEELS GOOD to our souls we listen to the opinions of others, who are not us, so how can they know what is best for us?

We give our power away by following examples laid out by society that no one feels particularly good in. There is no one size fits all. Yet we try and bend and fit and mold ourselves to fit in with others, to convince ourselves that someone else’s dream will make us happy too. To change ourselves to keep a relationship going because we are so scared of ending up alone.

We get confused and associate happiness with bagging a partner because that proves that we’re loveable and worthy, when really the ones we need to be loving first is ourselves. We pin our dreams on inheriting a big diamond ring and a white dress and frame our success around job titles and houses and things.

This is all very lovely (if you want that). I love a good wedding celebration, and we all need houses to live in (I’m of the times). BUT it doesn’t need to be in trade for our soul. Trading our time for people, jobs and things that don’t really feed us, leaving us more empty than full.

There is SO much more to life than these milestones we aim to achieve. And once we learn to listen and communicate with our inner compass, our intuition and feelings life flows with much more ease than ever before. You only live once, so it’s important to live your dreams.

Infinite love + Stardust

♥ Jemma xoxo